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6 "YOUR HOROSCOPES", 4 "YOUR HOROSCOPE", 2 page=page-1 2 page=page+1 2 +" 5 The Mask "+ 1 ~BbB@BBBb@ 1 z$=" See y'again! ": 1 x,y;Q$(sel) 1 print data 1 page2=(page2*10 1 page2 =page 1 page driver 1 font2s add 1 font2=65000 1 font1s add 1 font1=60000 1 font changeing 1 T THIS AWARD...E 1 T THIS AWARD...","Thanks to: Chris T, Chris B, Martyn, Stephen, Richard, Alf, Graham, Steve, St.John, Cliff, Linda, Emlyn, Youngie, Andy, David, Darren, Dave, Amanda, Jonathan Nash, Michael, Ben, Mark, Emma, Liz, Boge, Sam, Hugh, Pew, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub, anyone who's reading this, anyone I've forgotten, and my cats." 1 CONTENTS MENU 1 BEFORE I ACCE 1 BB@B<@BBb< 1 B<\<><<<\> 1 B<P~<b~<@~ 1 B<@<|<<<@| 1 @\8D<>\<8\< 1 <B:D<|@<:@< 1 ;'"Zafar Ahmad Khan" 1 ;'"Mat. No other bugger helped." 1 ;'"FISH 2"; 1 ;'"Editorial contributors:"; 1 ;'"Driver system by:"; 1 ;'"Chris Thomson"''; 1 ;'"Charecter set by:"; 1 ;'"Alchemist PD" 1 ;'"3 Station Rd, Birch Vale,"'"Stockport, Cheshire SK12 5BP" 1 ;"[M]=menu CURSOR KEYS=turn page "'"[I]=info [G]=select page 1 ;"Which page, sir? "; 1 ;"SEVERAL HOURS PASS...(R TO STOP)" 1 ;"PRINTING TEXT...": 1 ;"PRINTING LE SCREEN...": 1 ;"P";page; 1 ;"Other controls:"'"[P] Prints text [S] Screen"'"[Q] Quit" 1 ;"Menu system by:"; 1 ;"Issue 4 - Never Mind The Sex"'" Pistols, Here's The Bollocks"; #0 1 ;"FISH 2 Issue 4"; 1 ;"CURSOR KEYS AND ENTER TO SELECT." 1 ;" Quit (Y/N)? "; 1 ;" FISH 2 : The Supplement "; 1 ;" ";page: 1 ;" ";n$;" " 1 ;" press any key to return" 1 ;" NOV 1994" 1 23638-0785": 1 23637+256* 1 ,"CONTENTS MENU": 1 +f,y;" ";Q$(f);" ": 1 ++ LIN,COL,PAPER,INK,NO.SELS,LENGTH LONGEST SEL.,SHADOW COLOUR,"TITLE" 1 +" A. Who cares? "+ 1 +" A. John Smith's wife got to keep the car. "+ 1 +" A. Dead." 1 +" A. A vicious circle. "+ 1 +" 9. That MP who put a carrier bag onhis head "+ 1 +" 8. Their music is crap." 1 +" 8. Brandon Lee (probably) "+ 1 +" 7. They think England is suffers constant sub-zero temperatures. "+ 1 +" 7. Roy Castle "+ 1 +" 7 with Jim Carrey. Actually, that's a lie. I went to see it with Chris Hopwood, but Mr Carrey was in it nonetheless. And he was rather good being, as he is, rather splendid at these whackee roles. Anyway, he plays this downtrodden underconfident bank clerk type bloke with an obsession with cartoons, who finds this spooky mask thing and turns into this toonesque extrovert." 1 +" 7 using CHR$ 13 to go down a line and so on) and send it to the address on the Info page (press I). Also wanted are demos, games and so on for this tape we're supposed to be compiling, erk." 1 +" 7 Waargh!" 1 +" 7 Now let's face it, these things are crap. Just how crap they are depends on the following criteria : (a) whether or not the owner is wearing it back to front and (b) whether or not they advocate American Football. Or cannabis. I've actually got a nice baseball cap somewhere. Yes." 1 +" 7 I was recommended this novel by ardent Rankin fan (oo-er) Alf, and lo! 'twas as good as he said. The plot of the book goes thus - the year is 2050 and the planet is recovering from a nuclear war. The world is controlled, via food supplies, by the Big Three, three TV stations owned by the three major religions, the most prominent being Buddhavision." 1 +" 7 : It won't change your life, but it's a good laff. Sort of. Just don't go when there's likely to be a lot of small children watching." 1 +" 6. They eat sausages and cheese a lot. "+ 1 +" 6. That's probably not it." 1 +" 6. Dennis Potter "+ 1 +" 6 Actually, I think it looses something in print." 1 +" 6 ""Armageddon:The Musical"" by Robert Rankin "+ 1 +" 5. They speak a primitive language. "+ 1 +" 5. They have no concept of Tab Clear. "+ 1 +" 5. Er... "+ 1 +" 5. Aryton Senna "+ 1 +" 5. ""You just said it.""" 1 +" 5 Gosh, it's all becomming clear now. "+ 1 +" 4. They have a lot of beer. "+ 1 +" 4. Them that did ""Rythm of the Night"" "+ 1 +" 4. Bill Hicks "+ 1 +" 4. ""I didn't even see the elephant!"" "+ 1 +" 3. They are usually Nazis. "+ 1 +" 3. Shampoo "+ 1 +" 3. John Candy "+ 1 +" 3. ""15 yellow spots. "+ 1 +" 3 Baseball caps "+ 1 +" 2. They have no sense of humour. "+ 1 +" 2. John Smith "+ 1 +" 2. Doop "+ 1 +" 2. ""Yes, but not with the pliers!"" "+ 1 +" 2 Virgo "+ 1 +" 2 Taurus "+ 1 +" 2 Scorpio "+ 1 +" 2 Sagitarrius "+ 1 +" 2 Pisces "+ 1 +" 2 Libra "+ 1 +" 2 Leo "+ 1 +" 2 Gemini "+ 1 +" 2 Capricorn "+ 1 +" 2 Cancer "+ 1 +" 2 Aries "+ 1 +" 2 300 DATA ""TITLE"",""Blah blah blah..."" "+ 1 +" 14. Actually." 1 +" 13. So I'd better shut up now. "+ 1 +" 12. Some of them might be reading this. "+ 1 +" 11. They write crap scrollies in demos. "+ 1 +" 10. So they're very stupid. "+ 1 +" 10. My cat" 1 +" 0 Your mood is somewhat unpredictable at present. For example, next week you will bludgeon your milkman with a fire poker on the grounds that you don't like his trousers." 1 +" 0 Your love life takes a turn for the worse this month, as you have too much to drink and wet yourself in front of someone you fancy." 1 +" 0 You will send lots of money to Mat Beal. No? Oh well, it was worth a try..." 1 +" 0 You will have to make an important decision this month, namely what socks to wear next Tuesday. I advise avoiding the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle ones, especially if you go through with the wedding." 1 +" 0 You will forget to set the video for ""Rocko's Modern Life"". Yea, verrily." 1 +" 0 Try not to saw off your arm this month, as this could be disadvantageous in the long run." 1 +" 0 Surprise in store this month, as you meet up with an old friend and your leg drops off." 1 +" 0 Saturn is ascending into the third sector of Gemini's ninth season, whilst the moon Io is in its sixteenth rotation. All of this is of no consequence on your life, but you do fall in love with your bank manager." 1 +" 0 I advise you do the bathroom in peach. It'll go with the rug." 1 +" 0 Do not buy a bead car seat cover. (Pretty sound advise for everyone in fact)." 1 +" 0 Avoid purple items of clothing. They'll impose the wrong aura and clash with your boots." 1 +" 0 A close personal friend of yours will shave their head this month for no apparent reason." 1 +" * Q. What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? "+ 1 +" * Q. If Take That and East 17 fell from the top floor of a 20 storey building at exactly the same time, who'd hit the ground first? "+ 1 + " 2 Aquarius "+ 1 ***data for menu*** 1 ****MENU**** (MENUER BY Z.A.KHAN) 1 ) What are you doing in my listing? Get out! 1 '"THIS IS A COPY OF ""FISH 2"","'"THE ""FISH"" TAPEZINE WRITTEN"'"USING CHRIS THOMSON'S ""TZINE"""'"PROGRAM. IT IS NOT AN ORIGINAL"'"(EEK).": 1 $ FISH2 Issue 4 1 "YOUR MICROSCOPES", 1 "YOUR KOLIADASCOPES", 1 "WE NEED YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS!","If you think you could write any old crap for FISH2, save it as a BASIC DATA statement (eg "+ 1 "TOP 5 PUNCHLINES"," 1. ""No, it was a goat. "+ 1 "TOP 10 PEOPLE TO DIE IN 1994"," 1. Kurt Cobain "+ 1 "TOP 10 ONE-HIT WONDERS OF 1994"," 1. Stiltskin "+ 1 "TIME TO GO HOME","Hey ho. See you next time, Spec-kids. And send us some contributions. Or I'll kill you. (Eek)." 1 "THE VOICE OF REASON","Hello, Mat here. Welcome to another fun-packed issue of FISH2. Anyway, you may or may not know that due to the pressures of GCSEs and such things (which I should really be revising for at the mo), we are not doing another paper FISH until May, June-ish sort of time next year. If someone else edits it, we'll release another issue before then, but I dunno when that'll be. Full details will be in the nex FISH2 (Xmas/New Year ish)." 1 "THANKYOUS","Cheers to CHRIS THOMSON for the technical jiggery-pokery, CHRIS BAILEY for offering to write something (but not doing, ha ha) ANDY DAVIS and MARTYN SHERWOOD for distributional wossnames, and DAVE FUDGEPACKER because I feel like it, alright? (Oh, and THE BOY COOKIE for the Vicious Circle joke). FISH2 is PD and may be copied freely. If anyone charges you for this let us know and we'll send them a dead animal in th post." 1 "TAPE","For those of you who were thinking of getting this FISH tape that we mentioned recently, that's a bit of a lost cause an' all. Still, when it DOES comes out, it will contain a couple of extremely nice games, an adventure of sorts, a couple of tapezines and maybe even YS2 Issue 4 (if I can annoy Jon Nash enough into finishing the damn thing, that is)." 1 "SPOOK FACT!","The name of YS' fave punk band, Die Toten Hosen, translates into English as The Death Trousers. Strange but true." 1 "SHAKESPEARE:THE TRUTH","You want evidence? Completely rearrange the letters from Act One, Scene Two of ""Macbeth"" and you get the words ""A GORILLA WROTE THIS AND ANYONE WHO CLAIMS OTERWISE CAN SOD OFF, SO NERR.""" 1 "SHAKESPEARE:THE TRUTH","Recently BBC2 has been shouting about Shakespeare a lot, and asking who he was nyway. We at FISH have come up with the solution - there has long been the theory that if you put a gorilla in front of a typewriter it will, eventually, come up with a masterpiece. Well, we think that William Shakespeare actually tried this, and it worked, although not really as everyone knows his plays are a load of crap." 1 "SADDEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE","This presigious award goes to MR ROY BENSON, who complained that in Issue 7 we didn't make it absolutely clear where you could obtain the ""adult software"" for the Speccy, mentioned in the Priz PD bit, from. And AlchNews readers will know that in one of their issues he explained that the slow-mo facility some VCRs have is useful for going through bits of Basic Instinct. He's a bit of a perv, isn't he, readers?" 1 "REVIEWS:TAPEZINES","This month, just do be a bit different, we've decided to review Sinclair Classic. It's a rather good PD tapezine by Fountain PD, and it's full of nice piccies, good presentation, interesting articles, wibble and swearwords (but we'll gloss over those). It's availible from wherever you got FISH2 from, so there you have it. Issue 9 features bits on pornographic Speccy demos, Rainbow Islands and Split Personalities, Martyn Sherwood and other stuff." 1 "REVIEWS:FILMS","This ish, I toddled off to see "+ 1 "REVIEWS:FILMS","So, "+ 1 "REVIEWS:FILMS","Anyway, when we went to see it it was a Saturday evening and, as the film's a PG, the place was crawling with kids who laughed themselves stupid at the slightest visual jape. Of which there is lots, as the humour is a tad slapsticky and not exactly subtle (at one point he pulls a condom instead of a balloon out of his jacket, and a deadly silence fell on the cinema. How we laughed), which is all well and good as it's supposed to be cartoony." 1 "REVIEWS:BOOKS","What all this amounts to is an epic tale of a 1 "REVIEWS:BOOKS","Meanwhile, the Earth is being subtelly controlled by the Phnaargs, an alien race who, since the dawn of time, have been broadcasting the goings-on on Earth to its billions of viewers - a sort of ultimate ""Living Soap"" (But I thought you said billions of viewers? A quippish reader), who are trying to get the Earth out of the mess it's in as it's having a nasty effect on their viewing figures." 1 "REVIEWS:BOOKS", 1 "REVIEWS:ALBUMS","Today's Album Of The Issue is ""Definitely Maybe"" by Oasis. Drawing influences from loads of classic British bands, it's full of vaguely psycadelic effects, guitars, slightly wierd lyrics and spiffy tunes. If you liked any of the singles (Shakermaker, Supersonic, Live Forever, Cigarettes and Alcohol) buy it this very instant. Or something." 1 "RECCOMENDATION","The Digtiser section of Teletext is rather amusing. It's on C4, p470." 1 "PLUG","Hey! You! Buy a copy of The Thing Monthly! It's a thing, it's monthly, it's an extremely funny fanzine, and you can get a copy by sending TWENTY PENCE and a SAE to Alf, 46 High Road West, Felixstowe, Suffolk, IP11 9JE." 1 "PD GRAPES OF WRATH","Alec was then found swept upon Liverpool docks by, due o a billion-to-one coincidence, Chris Taylor. But due to his long time underwater, he smelt of fish so Chris threw him back in again. Sploosh. Andy realised he hadn't said anything nasty to Martyn for a bit, so wrote him a few letters, but Martyn's dog ate them. And that's about it. "+ 1 "PD GRAPEFRUIT","It was about this time Alec Causewell jumped off his yacht in the Med leaving thousands of pounds worth of debt, lots of Spec-chums disgruntled and his library books overdue. So everybody decided to start complaining about him again. All went well until Martyn decided that Andy had pushed him off, and they started arguing once more. So they printed nasty letters about each other in FISH, Martyn saying Andy was a foetus and Andy saying Martyn was illiterate and ouldn't spell either." 1 "PD DISPUTE","Last year, Chris Taylor sent a tape to Martyn for some PD, and when it came back it smelt of fish. Chris doesn't like fish very much, so decided to sue Martyn under the Trades Description Act, which contains the clause that anyone who distributes material that smells of any type of sub-aqua invertebrates without drawing attention to the fact is liable to be flogged with a cheese cake." 1 "PD DISPUTE","He changed his mind, but told Martyn he couldn't have any more of his demos, which didn't matter too much, 'cos they're crap, but it got Martyn a bit het up. Meanwhile Andy noticed that Martyn was selling some software which contained jokes about kinky sex with rodents, which isn't really a laughing matter, and decided to plant a dead herring in Martyn's house to get him under the trades descriptions act again." 1 "PD DISPUTE","But he too changed his mind. Meanwhile civil war was ensuing in Yugoslavia, and Andy decided that this was caused directly by Prism PD and decided to call in the UN, the Police, the IEBA, ELSPA, the NUJ, and the RSPCA, and any other abbreviations or acronyms he could think of. Martyn decided he was going to sue Andy, but Andy said he was going to sue Martyn first and what's more he'd win, and their solicitors were making a lot of money." 1 "PD DISPUTE - EXPLAINED","Recently there has been a ""bit of a do"" between Andy Davis of Alchemist Research and Martyn Sherwood of Prism PD. This has left a number of people, not least the FISH2 bods, a bit confused, but we can now reveal exactly what led up to thi situation..." 1 "NOSTRADAMUS 'R' US","And what fun we had copying computer games with tape decks. Oops, shouldn't really have mentioned that. Oh, why not? It's not like anybody really cares any more. In fact, I'd advise each and every one of you to find your best oldie Speccy games NOW, copy them onto a C60 with a normal stereo, and give them to any of your Speccy-owning friends. Hahahahaha. (You're nicked. A Bloke From ELSPA) Oops." 1 "NOSTALGIA 'R' US","Shouldn't that be NOSTALGIA 'IS' US? But I digress. I'll be back next time to share more of my Speccy game-related, half-forgotten, delerious memories with you. (Oh no! Several readers). Is it me, or does that tune from the Smarties ad (y'know, the really surreal one with the umberellas that turn into spiders and things) remind you of your youth? (It's you. A reader with her head screwed on the right way) Oh." 1 "NOSTALGIA 'R' US","I remember the days when I first got my Speccy. Ee by gum. Around the time Amstrad were pushing the +2 and +3, me and my sister decided we wanted a computer, or something, and my dad decided to buy one (y'know, ""not just for playing games on"", blah blah bloop). So it was mere chance, really, he decided to get the best computer in the world." 1 "NOSTALGIA 'R' US","I even tried my hand at programing, y'know. Yes! Between me and my good mate Sam, we produced such half-finished classics as Andy, Wolvy Clogg 2, Santa's Little Smeg-Head, Fiat Panda Turbo Challenge and numerous other piles of doggy pooh. (If anyone wants a copy of any of hem, by the way, they're welcome). Then in 1990 YS turned up and changed my life, it was so splendid and full of stuff I never knew existed. And about 100 pages long! Sniff." 1 "NOSTALGIA 'R' US","Actually, that's a bit of a lie, isn't it? I mean, the +2 runs at about 4MHz, has got 128k and 15 colours, which means that it isn't the best computer in the world by a long stick, or something. In fact, it's a bit crap. Ah, but the games, the games were lovely and splendid. One such romp was Frankie Goes To Hollywood, an ace and totally surreal arcade adventure by Ocean which featured numerous druggy sub-games." 1 "NOSTALGIA 'R' US (?)","Of course, being the innocent things we were, me and my chums didn't pick up on the, er, narcotic references. We just got the impression it was vaguely weird, which we liked. We almost solved a murder (it was Mr Dull, wasn't it? We couldn't find the final clue), we blew Gorbechov up and we got a cat to drink some milk. Happy days. In fact I must load it up again after I've finished writing this bast." 1 "Mat's Bit","Horoscoops","Reevoos","PD Dispute","Shakespeare","Top Ten Fun","Jolly Japes","Nostalgia","Travel Guide","The End","Creditia" 1 "MORE XENOPHOBIA"," 9. They have about one hour's schooling a week. "+ 1 "MAT'S CRAP JOKE CORNER"," * Q. What's the difference between Aryton Senna's wife and John Smith's wife? "+ 1 "LIZZY'S CRAP JOKE CORNER","Has been axed as it was just getting too depressingly crap to carry on with." 1 "FRIDAY 28 OCTOBER 1994","I'm completely fed up with the whole FISH thing now. I wish I'd never started it in the first place. Do you think if I wrote ""fuck"" Andy'd ban this from his library? We might get some sort of underground street-cred notoriety, or something. Or we might not. Bum. Tit. Pooh." 1 "FACTS ABOUT...GERMANS"," 1. They wear both rucksack straps over their shoulders. "+ 1 "CRAP THINGS IN LIFE", 1 "COOKIE'S CRAP JOKE CORNER"," Q. What's this? "+ 1 "BEFORE I ACCE 1 normal person, Elvis Presley, to Barbour jacket-clad cannibals, Jesus Christ's twin sister and a sprout, and their quest to save humanity from a fate worse than being flogged to death with a herring, or something. The writing style is very jolly with lots o original twists, the book's full of silly ideas and jolly japes, and is recommended to absolutely everyone. Hurrah." 1 Travel Guide 1 Top Ten Fun 1 Shakespeare 1 PD Dispute 1 Nostalgia 1 Jolly Japes 1 Horoscoops 1 CDT/Really Useless 1994" 1 CDT 1994"